as always...searching

May I think that opportunities are just around the corner for me? That people are there to offer me answers and to embellish my life? Should I feel loved and protected? Or, on the contrary, should I resent my life and be reluctant in taking steps forward, when someone offers me their hand to climb on the stairs that lead me to the ball room? Perhaps, I should feel sad, and not so enthusiastic about what will come next. I honestly don`t know. My life seems to be just an array of events that elicit emotions, in a way or another. And I am just like a leaf that lets herself carried away by the wind, naively hoping that the wind will be a good fellow and lead me where I can find meaning, and where people don`t step on me within their rush towards the land of nowhere. I incline quite many times to feel guilty, as if I had robbed or damaged someone`s life, without hesitating. Have I? I may have betrayed what was pure in me, and thus I may have gone astray from my destiny, from my Father, searching for a place where I could be the landlord. But I have no idea of how to govern a village, of how to dictate thoughts to do this or that, and not to harm them, nor let them harm me. Maybe I am a lonely princess weeping in her chamber, getting all wrinkled from the tears, and waiting for centuries, for prince charming to come and rescue her from her crumbled world of dreams. I am, in many aspects, a depressed and scared creature, who makes up her mind quite easily and at times feels like doing whatever she likes without looking at the other people around her. Sometimes, I think selfishness has no borders, because I still cannot feel for the other, I am still horribly afraid to admit that not all people`s actions are right and that I could tell them that, even if, by telling the truth, I might be rejected. I am a child in so many ways, yet I am never one when it comes to innocence and obedience. I most earnestly think that I have lost the way towards happiness, towards sheer happiness so well hidden in me, in the most vivid, yet the most hurt part of me. I believe Epittetto, when he says that no one can ever harm you, but yourself. I also believe that the great wars of humanity can hardly resemble the battles that occur within the soul of a person.
At the moment, I am hiding behind the curtains of this world, I lifted up the veil that came down once, not wanting to see the real visage of the world: one that has nothing to do with kindness, innocence, love or greatness; it is rather a face of selfishness and chaos.
But in this world, as it is, I, as I am, am searching for diamonds, I am digging in the dirt for the most beautiful and alive part of the human being; I want to find love.